Sections:

• I Don't Understand

• In Hiding

• A Mess of Feelings

• Hope & Growth 🖤 

I Don’t Understand

Why can’t I just do things right? I know I do some things properly and have redeemable qualities, so I don’t mean to say I can’t do anything right.. But at the same time, that’s how it feels. You know?? Maybe? The world keeps going and people keep living their lives and I feel sort of like only a piece of me is actually a part of mine. 

Months and years seem to be blurring together. Especially since 2020. It's madness! It's difficult to summarize my years without taking a step back and going.. "What the hell!?" As in, looking over my past choices and difficulty coping with nearly everything is frustrating to see. Parts of my past still don't mesh properly, and sometimes the present starts to feel all warped too.

It is a weird feeling because I am very aware of what I should do and how I should function.. Yet, in many ways it feels like something beyond my reach is continuing to trap me in debilitating levels of anxiety. I don't even mean in a self-defeatist way, well.. some of that too.. but I mean I literally feel like I'm mentally blocked from taking the proper steps. I want to, but I freeze and then suddenly weeks, months, or years have gone by and I'm still in the same spot. 

I start going the right way, find clarity and some faith in myself.. and write something on here straight from the heart. I let the most vulnerable parts of me out within my words, and then eventually I distance myself from all of them- from myself. I repeatedly discover what I need to do and practice positive behavior, then much of it vanishes because I do too. It is deeply bizarre and infuriating.

I'm always me.. My big heart and dreams remain a core part of my identity at all times, but my ability to be present and recall which direction I was moving in or where I belong..not so much. I learn lessons and find purpose, but then it all starts getting fuzzy and I slip back into a dysfunctional way of being. I wish something could grab ahold of me and hold me steady. I want a safe space I can rest in and trust to always be there for me amid the chaos.

Everything I build up and discover fades to the back of my scattered mind as I unintentionally fade to the back of my life like I'm not even participating in the moments that keep passing by. It's so ..so..disordered and aggravating and just..

It's like mentally I feel as though I've stayed in one spot as the world and other people around me have continued rushing by being productive and stable.. And I'm just still wobbling around in the background with no idea what the hell I'm doing or why I'm doing it in the first place. I'm floating. Why? 

It's ok. It is simply a weird way to exist. Do any of you live this way? I even see things in my bedroom that I haven't moved in four, five, or even six years..and then I catch myself looking at the dust covered items and wondering how all the time has gone by and parts of my mind..and even physical surroundings haven't budged. It's confusing. 

I honestly don't know where I go. I'm still usually here enough to write posts and participate in my son's life. I interact with him..but I haven't taken him out on a date or anything since 2021. My life hasn't stopped, yet it has. I don't get it. 
 
I left school in early 2022 to help my son and seek out guidance because I knew nothing about autism and he’d just been officially diagnosed (He’s doing great now by the way. Only has some social deficits.)

Then when I tried to go back to school they said I’d have to pay for a semester then try to apply for a grant again. So..I worked at an Urgent Care to save up money.. I quickly had enough money to pay for a semester ..but I gained weight after M ghosted me the first time April-June 2022. It wasn’t his fault. I scared him off, but even though he had every right to change his mind and cut me off..it hurt and I felt so ridiculously stupid and lost. I felt like I was back getting discarded on my ex’s birthday all over again. I failed to handle it in a healthy way. I figured if I’d been less screwed up M wouldn’t have felt the need to ditch me. I did it to myself. I screwed it all up and acted in ways that made me not worth wanting around.

I rebounded to speaking to my ex.. Everything got messy again. Or, messier. My fault.. Then all this happened —Hot Mess Timeline. I kept trying to stable out and get healthy both physically and mentally.. But instead I stayed stressed and desperate for something (acceptance and to be wanted back) and kept getting fatter and fatter.. Until I felt too embarrassed and gross looking to return to school.

So my new plan was to slim back down THEN return to school.. The problem is, I still haven’t gotten that far and life keeps passing by. I’ve been over my healthy weight for about three years now.

Why does my brain have to be so ridiculous? Why do I have to make such messes? Why can’t I just not get lost or mishandle things? Like.. why? I am really trying here, but apparently I’m approaching lots of stuff the wrong way or not pushing myself hard enough. I can't even take good enough care of my body that used to be so pretty.. not perfect, but pretty.

I’ll get back to my feet..I’ve done it before, but oh my word.. it is so easy to just want to smack myself and/or sink down into defeat and become an amorphous blob that never moves. ha.. 

UGH. I can do better. I keep trying, but all it takes is liking a man and getting rejected for me to fall apart? What the fuck is wrong with me? And I am not saying it is M's fault or life's fault. It is not. My friend has helped me more than I can explain right now. I appreciate him so much. The struggle and failure is MY FAULT, but I just don't understand why I keep letting it happen and handling basic things so terribly wrong.

Why do I find myself, grab on tight, but still manage to lose most of me in the present over and over again? Why do I detach when not being a part of things hurts. I want to be here. I want to stay where I am right now..in this imperfect state. I'm present right now. I want to stay that way. I don't want to keep leaving myself behind.

I just don't understand, I thought my grasp would be stronger by now. I've learned so much and improved upon my weak spots too, so why can't I handle this yet? Why do I keep letting this happen? I want to do better and be better. I'm not giving up, but I"m just being honest that I am annoyed with the way I space out or float away. 

It makes it so much more infuriating because I am aware that it happens and that it isn't normal or healthy, but I see it unfold most of the time..eventually. and I just watch it happen while it simultaneously doesn't fully register with my brain that it’s happening. WTF is this? Why can't I make myself stop if I know I need to stop it? How do I stop it? 

I've written about all of this before! I've been here already. I keep leaving (or trying to) just to end up right back trying to escape and do better all over again. Goodness gracious. I'm trying so hard to get myself together. I don't want to be mean to myself, but this is so lonesome and exhausting. 

I don't want to be pathetic and clueless. I don't want to be so fragile. I want to be a hard ass who can handle anything and stand tall no matter what life throws my way. I want to be stronger. I have strong parts..good parts and admirable traits..but they get muddled up with the confusion and struggles. 

Dean discarded/blindsided me almost five years ago. What the hell is so wrong with me that it has me still missing parts of who I was?? It has been long enough. We weren't even together that long. The abuse was triggering and absolutely awful, but I should be over it. Parts of me were already lost when I met him, but I felt so much more..whole?? I felt capable of more and less ashamed of myself before I got involved with him. I don't know. I really don't.

I just don't understand why all this time later I still feel like I keep getting pulled back down into 2020 over and over again the moment I feel hurt, afraid, or alone. My heart still feels broken. I don't understand why it still gets to me. I don't understand how years of hard work and growth could have been undone so easily...by one person who never cared. It isn't fair and I should've been able to tolerate it better. Or at least I wish I would've been able to. 

I don't appreciate how in my lower moments I start to wonder if I had been a less hurt person.. would he have loved me? Would he have respected and actually accepted me if I weren't "damaged goods"? I wonder maybe  if I had just been as I should be he wouldn't have felt the need to call me names and pick at my insecurities like I deserved to feel even smaller.

I don't get it. He shouldn't have been so cruel, but I have moments when I'm really hurting when I wonder what I did wrong to make him hate me so much. What about me made him want to tear me apart? Why did I let him break me down that way? Why wasn't I wise enough to stay away? Why did I have to go and be so damn impulsive and get my hopes up over what turned out to be total bullshit? 

Why does it still hurt when I think about where I was then. I'm thankful for the lessons learned, but a part of me also wishes I could go back in time and hold onto who I was. I was proud of myself back then, before we dated. I was back in school, I was healthy, I was motivated, I was hopeful.. Why did I have to go and let all of that go? Why did I let myself get erased? More importantly, why do I currently keep sort of erasing myself. I don't even know what I'm saying right now. 

I really should start reading over my old posts more often instead of avoiding certain important reminders. After I finished this section I went back to look over Bad Habits. It is basically the same post as this one. Well, not exactly, but the struggle and much of the concept is. Around and around we go. Such a blast.. :P

 In Hiding 

So.. I haven't left the house in months. From July 2024 — February 2025 I really couldn't do much because of my back injury and immune system stuff.. Then for the past month or so I have been doing much better physically. I still have to get in shape, but my back usually doesn't hurt and I am able to bend and all that again. I'm pretty much able to do most of what I could before.

But something is wrong with me, mentally. I feel the way I did as a kid almost. I don't want people to see me, but I really miss people..and work..and just functioning correctly. I'm still overweight, which shouldn't be the end of the world but I'm incredibly embarrassed. 
 

I have canceled dental appointments.. missed family gatherings.. and even run out of some of my medications for depression/attention deficit because I refuse to leave the house and she can no longer do tele-health appointments since she hasn’t seen me in a year. In order to keep prescribing me my medication she has to physically see me at least once a year..but I can't bring myself to leave the house. So now I am out of some medications.. have been for a few weeks..and by next month I'll be out of my main antidepressant if I don't go in. I know I need to go. I know it, but I feel like I cannot.
 

Then my friend.. I want to see him so badly. I want to surprise him even. I'd be more willing to go see him first before going into public.. because with him at least I could wear leggings and.. I know him. I don't know. But at the same time…when he first met me I was really attractive and in good shape..I'm not that right now. I'm cute and chubby/chunky at the moment. I am embarrassed to let him see me in my weakest state.
 

I put on weight when I struggle with my depression/a regression..and on top of that I got injured and was on bedrest without the ability to walk or stand for more than a couple minutes for five or six consecutive months.. I'm sure I've puffed up more but I am avoiding the scale and just trying to eat right and walk every day now that I can.
 

What if I gross him out? What if I want to let him close to me and he gets weirded out because I don't want him to see me without being covered up yet?. I don't know. I'm struggling guys. I know there is more to me than how hot I am or the current circumference of my waistline and thick thighs.. but I feel so embarrassed to have let myself crumble into my lesser state.. if that makes any sense.
 

If I had gained weight and just aged a little that would be different.. but it's the reason behind it that has me so ashamed.. more ashamed over how weak I've been than my looks themselves. I look ok..not hot..not ugly.. not huge..but definitely overweight. Still hour glass shaped, but like an hourglass that is also built like a pool floaty. Thick, yet well proportioned. LOL. I just.. I know my outside is reflecting my inner mental health sstruggles.. so it makes it feel more.. humiliating.
 

I feel incredibly vulnerable because I cannot hide that I've been having a hard time. To me my weight is like my personal scarlet letter.. because it only goes up when I'm in extreme emotional pain for a prolonged period of time.. That's why I got huge as a teenager..it was a reflection of the stress and suffering I couldn't escape.
 

When I am miserable I thicken up because I stop sleeping, start eating less during the day, eat too much trash (processed carbs) at night while I'm struggling to relax, have no energy.. I don't move much. And so.. I just.. I want to be healthy again.. Looking better would be a plus..but feeling proud of myself for being able to balance out enough to take good care of my body would make me feel so much better and less pathetic.
 

What if I go to see my friend and he thinks I look gross or I see the surprise on his face when he first sees me and realizes how my looks have gone downhill.. 🥺 Will he be ok with it? Will he have faith in my ability to get healthy again? Will he accept me in my weaker state? Will he find me repulsive as I am?? I'm not at my best.. I will get back there again, but it won't happen quickly. I'm trying.

What is going on with me??

A Mess of Feelings

It took me longer to write this part because my mood lifted and things started to feel a little less messy.

I guess the shift alone is sort of a part of the mess since my emotional state could revert back to overwhelm, fear, and confusion at any minute now. ha— but I’m just no longer triggered right now. However, I can pinpoint a few things that get me that way.
 

7/2025

Interpersonal relationships, especially with men. Feeling unappreciated and unwanted. Uncertainty. Mixed signals. Pressure. Prolonged silence. Insensitivity. Triangulation. These things can throw me into a total panic or regressive episode.
 
I feel a lot of confusion over a few things in my life, but the confusion over interpersonal issues gets me the most out of sorts.

Right now I’m not involved in any romantic relationship. I have a friendship that I appreciate, but sometimes aspects of it do get to me. 

I am attracted to him and lonesome, but deep down when I reflect on everything I want and need out of life.. I know I don’t want to have casual sex and be utilized.

I keep trying to hype myself up and convince myself it’s fine, but I know I’d feel like shit afterwards and probably spiral into a deep depression because I’ve never slept with a man who seemed to genuinely care about me.

I’d feel small because my deepest needs go far beyond the physical.

What I really need and want most isn't to get laid. I’m human, so I’m not saying I don't desire physical intimacy- I do, and I think he’s adorable. I just have my priorities.. Being truly cared for, wanted, and respected all matters way more to me than a potential orgasm.

After the high from sex fades..then what?! 

What’s the point in giving all of yourself to someone who only wants a small peice of you for themselves instead of truly valuing you as an entire person?? I don’t want to! I don’t want to be used—AGAIN. It wouldn’t be his fault because he gives me space and is not forcing me to do anything. I simply struggle to decide because I do want him..but him not really wanting me back kind of cancels it out.

I’m not a promiscuous person, but I think he’s in search of one or wanting to be one. I can’t be that. I don't want to be that. And if he chooses to go sleep around (if he isn't already) he needs to know we will only ever be friends. And that’s ok. 

Feeling that all he wants from me beyond our friendship is empty sex with no legitimate relationship or possible future… that leaves me feeling like trash when I think about it. 

I’ve never been physically intimate with anyone other than my past boyfriends. I’ve dated three men in my adult life, and only one of those was within the last 12 years. The thought of settling for getting utilized instead of truly wanted makes me feel sick and hurt.  

Why should I settle for that? Why do I keep trying to force myself to settle for that instead of accepting what I want and need is perfectly valid and worth waiting for??

The man I care for can jump through hoops and wear himself out to help some former upstairs neighbor get a car and crash at his place for weeks.. And that isn’t a bad thing.. but then all the effort he is willing to give to me is to have me drive over to fuck him numb because he’s sexually frustrated and wants a distraction? How is that supposed to make me feel? 

He can exhaust himself and reach out to people to get this other woman help but then when it comes to me.. all he is willing to do is be at home and for me to show up for a good time. I don’t need him to do crazy things or exhaust himself for me.. that’s not what I’m saying. 

It’s just that.. when you see someone you care about doing so much for others and for work or cool hobbies.. but then when it comes to you they merely want you to be their booty call.. that fucking hurts.

It leaves me feeling like I mean nothing and possess very little worth in his eyes. He says he sees worth in me.. I see worth in him too and he has done many good things to strengthen our friendship.. but when it comes to any romantic relationship potential.. it’s just endless rejection and disinterest from him. 

He hasn't been malicious and all my feelings are not his fault. These simply are my current and valid emotions and views. I feel sad because I care about him and want more, but he has shown me over and over that all he wants with me beyond our friendship is sexual gratification.. and that would be fine if that’s all I wanted too, but it’s not.

I guess he needs ‘friends with benefits’ or a lame situationship, but that’s not what I want. I’m a grown-ass woman looking for something real, not a bandaid to help soothe all my primal aches.

I want to grow as a person and invest in worthwhile relationships that add meaning and fulfillment to my life.. not some sexual exploration I could have later with a trusted partner instead of reducing sex to nothing but the physicality of it by sleeping around whilst avoiding the difficult and serious aspects of a relationship. The REAL parts. The ones that matter long term.

I want legitimate closeness. Honesty. Trust. Some passion.  Effort. I want to be wanted back..but with him I’m not. It seems he will never want me the way I’ve been wanting him. So it is a mess of feelings.

I remember about three years ago him telling me to consider adjusting my values if they’re leaving me sexually frustrated or held back.. (He hasn't said anything like that to me in at least two years. We talked it out, I'm just referencing it because it goes with the topic.)
 

And to that I say.. fuck no. My values are my values .. and trying to go against them doesn’t help me change them or feel more free.. it just makes me feel like total shit for going against my authentic self and my true needs.

So no. My values don’t need changing and my boundaries don’t need me to ignore or violate them in order to feel something pathetically impersonating the actual care I yearn for. I just need to be strictly friends with my friend if he has zero interest in a meaningful relationship with me.
 
The fleeting comfort of being held/touched wouldn’t be worth the mental and emotional anguish meaningless sex would have on me.. That’s not how I function. I can’t do it. Especially since I actually care about him and know he doesn't care about me. It hurts too much to care when it feels it only goes one way.

And I’m tired of trying to convince myself it’s no big deal to sleep with a friend and that I’m old enough to handle it.. I don’t want to! I don’t want to let another man who doesn’t love me touch me that way again. I just don’t. I’ve been used and dehumanized enough in my lifetime.

To be clear— my friend has NOT asked me to go against myself or tried to push me to do sexual things I’m uncomfortable with. I’ve failed to stay consistent or speak up out if fear, stupidity, and confusion. So it is in no way his fault, it’s mine. My boundaries suckkkkk.

I’m very aggravated that I struggle so much to make certain choices and stand my ground. No big bad bully was guiding me or pushing me around this time, but I still often struggle to be sure and say no when something doesn’t feel right for me? Dang. I’m a mess.

I’m responsible for not going through with it, not him. It is my job to stand firm in my boundaries. It’s not his fault I keep going back and forth with what I think I can and can’t handle.

If I could handle casual sex I probably would’ve slept with him by now. But I guess since it is no big deal to him he truly just doesn't get it. OR because I haven’t stuck to one choice I’ve confused the poor man with my own confusion.. If so, poor dear! My bad!

I’ve tried multiple times to explain it to him, but then I go and flirt back or even start the flirting on my own. I’m totally guilty of confusing behavior too. Most definitely. I lose myself and my direction like a frickn child’s kite that’s broken loose on a hella blustery day. bahaha. 

I can’t sleep around. I just can’t do it. Betraying my true self for some fleeting comfort or physical pleasure isn’t worth it for me. I don’t think he wants me to feel small and hurt, so I need to not give in and do things that’ll end up harming me. No sleeping with a man who doesn’t want me for real. That’s that. 

The Feelings

I’m not in love with my friend M. We haven’t been around each other enough or gone through relationship things to build up to that— BUT I do care for him a great deal.

I love him as a person and like him romantically. That’s the messiest part of all of this. I didn’t intentionally develop stronger feelings for him over time, it just happened. How could it not- for me?

He hasn’t had the emotional availability to develop those types of feelings for me.. mainly because he was so in love with someone else the entire time. So it has been unequal this whole time.
—Because throughout our friendship my heart hasn’t been taken by anyone else. I have been emotionally available and vulnerable to falling.. 

Of course before meeting M I loved Dean so much. I still have care, but I moved on from the romantic love for my ex after he left me behind and crushed my heart several times. I had to. That man broke and totally abandoned me. He just left me like our relationship was nothing. Like I was nothing. 

Once my heart broke free from Dean it was left up for grabs.. It was open to possibilities again no matter how much I fought it and denied it in a desperate attempt to protect myself.

My heart has been available..  On my end of M and I’s friendship..my heart wasn’t taken or focused elsewhere. Then it started focusing on him. I didn’t mean to. I couldn’t help it.

Having those feelings and a heart open to someone who has a heart totally unavailable and closed off to me.. —it really hurts sometimes.

For me it’s only been him in my heart’s eye for nearly three years. And for him... I’ve barely even been a blip on his radar.

I’ve let him know I’m interested and have a heart that’s willing to embrace his..but he’s not interested. If he was he wouldn’t try to just have me over to fuck him. He’d take it slow with me but actually pursue me and let me finally feel wanted, seen, and appreciated back.

He’d try to build something real instead of treating me like just a way to distract himself. I deserve to be someone’s focus, not a fleeting high or way to numb out. I deserve more..because I can give more.

I am a big mess. I’m not in my ideal place, nor have I found my footing.. but in this weakened state I can still love and build the foundation for something real with a willing and compassionate partner. He clearly has no interest in finding or pursuing that sort of thing…at least not with me.

My friend doesn’t owe me his heart. I’m only being honest that he’s had all the focus from mine for a long time while I feel totally invisible. The lack if reciprocation is starting to hurt too much, so I’m trying harder to disconnect from all those messy deeper and romantic feelings that have developed over these last few years.

It’s embarrassing to care sometimes. I know it shouldn’t be, but it is. It’s ok. I’ll figure it out and move on from him too. Not move on from him as a friend, but I will move on from longing for more. My goofy, soft heart can only take so much before I have to take measures to keep it safe.

I can’t keep the walls to my most vulnerable emotions down forever if doing so is only letting in more pain. If someone I care about doesn’t care back it’s probably best for me to start building back up those walls instead of stupidly allowing more of them to fall.

 Hope & Growth 

No matter how frustrated I get with myself at times, a few of the areas I've made progress in do remain. It isn't all of me that stays stuck.. a lot of me, yes..but not all. 

Some aspects of healing have become more permanent. When I am triggered and sinking deeper into my old way of viewing myself..(like in the sections above) the newer healthy part of my perspective starts reaching for me.

It is like when you see a view of sunlight breaking through clouds so dark and heavy that the beams of light appear more stunningly defined as they shine down contrasting against the dull sky.

I can see that there is something better behind the heaviness I feel. Even at my lowest I am usually able to remember that the warmth is still there behind the cold waiting to make its way back out again.

That makes it to where I am able to hold on and find my center again more often than I used to be able to.. Instead of getting sucked in and hopelessly lost 99% of the time, it is more like.. 25% of the time. Ha. Hey! That is improvement. It counts.

I am proud of myself.. The fact that I can feel proud and accepting of myself moments after wishing myself harm is indeed progress.. A long time ago I used to not have moments of self-compassion and hope at all. I was living that way for the first 23 years of my life, and then again for about a year after my last relationship.

Sometimes I feel really low and ashamed of myself, but unlike in the past, I don't hate myself... even when I am driving myself insane with my mistakes and unhealthy choices. I am able to show myself mercy after the intensity of my frustrations begins to lessen. 

I may fall down and let a hateful, hopeless view of myself seep into my mind and take over for a bit, but even at my lowest I no longer loathe who I am. It can feel that way, but my healthier reasoning is still hovering in the background within those moments trying to grab my attention and pull me back to truth and more peace of mind. 

Overall I do understand the reasons, even if sometimes I feel like I don't understand anything at all. It is difficult to explain. But there is positivity mixed into the painful or downright torturous moments of being strongly triggered and broken down.

I may still be struggling, especially with social anxiety, feeling locked in place, or getting lost in dissociative states —but I haven’t given up on myself. I’m going to keep trying to get to where I need to be..and to show myself some patience and love when that journey is difficult or an overwhelmingly long one to make. I can do this. I will get there, and I will work to care for myself while I’m mixed up here.

I'm reminding myself all over.. and you'll keep seeing these same words and explanations. It's helping me, so I won't stop forcing myself to remember who I am. I'm worth holding onto. I should be able to consistently see myself as being worthwhile. I don't want to forget I matter too, and that me wanting and needing things isn't wrong or selfish. I have every right to feel and think exactly as I do. 

Being imperfect doesn't make me unworthy of kindness, respect, and acceptance. Even me in my weakest moments can show someone else love, so I deserve just as much.