Rough Draft

 
Tonight (or actually last night because it is 2:30 in the morning) M was sharing his negative emotions with me. I am glad he is comfortable enough to divulge where he’s at. He’s clearly depressed and struggling through a midlife crisis of sorts. I can only imagine what he’s going through. I care about his pain. I wish I could help. I let him know I’m here for him.
 

However, he once again referenced being in this life alone. Ya know.. not having anyone.. Still being single at his age. He mentioned being alone right after I tried to make plans with him and had told him directly how much I’d enjoy his company. So.. guess I don’t count? Am I even real to him??

Not sure how that’d make you feel.. but it made me feel like he saw me as undesirable, worthless crap. 
 

So here I am.. up all night eating my feelings with my eyes watering because I apparently still have legitimate feelings for this emotionally unavailable, disinterested, oblivious man.
 

Here’s some raw feelings I typed but still haven’t sent to him:

I wish I had someone as into me as I've been into you since 2022. It's time I get over it.

Someone will actually want and appreciate me eventually.

Can we just be friends and not flirt anymore?

The unreciprocated feelings and realizing I'm still not taken seriously by you just stings too much.

I'm worried sick about you and care about you being depressed—but that doesn't mean I can't have feelings in response to things you’ve said.

You talking about the pain of being alone when you have me as an option just made me realize you still don't see me as one.

You don't have to. But I need to get over my romantic interest in you.

It's been too long. I'm feeling taken for granted and repeatedly rejected.

I've put myself out there and told you I'm interested several times over the last four years.

I'm making a fool of myself and hurting my own feelings at this point.

I shouldn't be unable to sleep with a raw stomach wanting to cry at 2 a.m. over a man who doesn't even desire a shot with me. 

So. Can we please stop flirting because it keeps me confused when I realize you don't like or want me that way. The signals come across mixed and I’m tired of letting myself get my hopes up for nothing over and over.

You say you have *nobody* when I've made it clear I'd love to be there for you. So naturally I feel invisible. Like my care for you and interest in you doesn't even count.

I don't want to be utilized as a distraction. I want someone I care for to care for me too. And that's just not happening here. Not in the same manner.

So can we please just be friends who never speak sexually from now on?

I really need to move on because liking you this long without being liked back is leaving me with hurt feelings more often than I'd like to admit.

I need to stop wanting more. I really care about you as a person. I deeply appreciate you and our friendship.

But the romantic feelings I have are so foolish and are going to waste because you don't see or value me the same way.

The interest seems to be very one-sided. I hate realizing that's my type. I need to change that and keep working on myself.

Anyway..

Please be patient with my big emotions. And when you can, please let me know if we can be friends that do not flirt anymore so I can finally get over my romantic feelings for you.

Thank you

—in progress