TRIGGER WARNING

International Suicide Hotlines 

Sections:

• I Had a Friend  
  —  Why I Ended the Friendship 
  —  Guilt vs. Resolve
• Increased Awareness
• Boundary Progress

I’ve met multiple people with this name, she doesn’t know anyone I speak to, we live in different states, AND practically nobody knows this is my webpage or that it even exists —so I assume using a version of her name is ok?

I Had a Friend

Laneé is a wonderful person. We bonded over our shared neuroticism. Although I cut off contact, I still wish her the best.

When we were first getting to know one another I had gotten myself swept up in another hoover of sorts, and she’d recently escaped a long-term abusive relationship.
 

Why I Ended the Friendship

Boundary violations and extreme stress.—

We worked together, and I attempted to put up boundaries starting there. To be fair, she did seem to try to respect them. 

It started off as smaller things that made me uncomfortable. She was going through a lot of inner turmoil that I could relate to, so I was trying my best to be delicate with her feelings when I spoke up. 

She and I had had a few good talks in which it came out that we’d both been diagnosed with PTSD (cPTSD). I fully understand the compulsion to trauma dump before realizing that’s what you’re doing. Hell, I did that to poor M at the start of our friendship too.. A LOT 😬 

The difference was, I told her how it made me feel.. and that her casually bringing up physical violence, emotional abuse, sexual assault, death, and serious mental health issues while at work was causing me to be both distressed and distracted while trying to focus on patient care and be in a positive/healthy headspace. 

On shared shifts she kept me triggered all day sometimes. I helped her ground herself in the back office a couple times while she was having a crying spell. I have been there before, so showing her compassion poured out naturally within these situations.

I did not stop being her friend over this, because it did not make her any less of a good person to be struggling. I understand how hard it is to see outside of yourself during crisis. She kept doing the same things after the boundary was communicated clearly/placed, but she often caught herself, apologized, and said she’d try to do it less.

I was uncomfortable and stressed by it, but not enough to distance myself. She is a beautiful human being who has been through so much more than I could have survived. I had no desire to close someone out who was obviously in need of support and not in a mentally stable place.

But one of the biggest problems (other than dealing with that at work) was that I was not at all in a good enough place to be anyone’s main support system. At least not someone with serious shared issues that require emotional stability, I had none at the time. I communicated this explicitly— multiple times. 

She admitted she was using me as a free therapist (even though she was already seeing two real ones). I told her I understood and cared deeply, but that I was in no way mentally equipped for that role because I too was in the midst of my own episode which had me depleted, depressed, often dissociating, and incredibly overwhelmed.

I told her I was just not fully able to be there for her in that way, but that we could set aside times for her to vent and for me to validate her emotions, offer support, and let her know I cared about what she was going through. She agreed to this, but then kept up the same behavior I said was causing me stress/worsening my own CPTSD symptoms. 

Me letting her know that would send her into what seemed to be a shame spiral —which I can also relate to. So I’d feel awful for having boundaries and communicating honestly.. because I didn’t want to hurt her but the interactions with her were leaving me on edge and triggered so, so badly. I tried to be fair, but I’m sure I wasn’t always.
 
I told her I understood she needed support, but that her placing that so heavily on me was starting to harm my mental health. 

It began bleeding over outside of work because that’s the time I set aside.. except I never said “please stop doing this at work and then spew out all your deepest pains and negativity onto me every single day elsewhere.” 

It was supposed to be in small doses when It was communicated clearly I was up for it.. Like when it was mutually agreed upon. (Which did happen sometimes. The girl was trying but she was in crisis mode and seemingly unable to see beyond her own suffering.)

Although it was stressful as heck, I remained patient because I cared about what she was experiencing. I definitely require patience at times too. So I’d pull her aside, call, or message her explaning the boundary again and how I wasn't angry with her but that I just really needed these boundaries respected for the sake of my mental health.

However, the continuous trauma-dumping during and outside of work felt forced upon me. Like I had no choice but to take it all on. It didn’t make me angry, my brain just struggled to process it without becoming rather dysregulated. 

What she shared with me most were heartbreaking things she’d lived through. It was like my most personal, deeply depressing writings I leave on here..but done in person and to someone who hasn’t chosen to read it of their own free will. I hope that makes sense. 

I knew it wasn’t from a malicious place and that she was genuinely in need, but I was suddenly thrown into a position of being responsible for an entire other person’s sanity without being ready for that or agreeing to it. I wasn’t prepared for that or mentally stable enough for it. I cared about her needs, but I wasn’t even meeting majority of my own. I didn’t handle every conflict perfectly, but I sincerely tried to be fair to her. It wasn’t her fault she was going through so much at once.

I’d sometimes be up all night with a raw stomach, my chest hurting, or crying over the pain she shared. The thought of all the horrors she’d been through and described to me in graphic detail. It brought back my own repressed memories of violence. But even if it hadn’t.. feeling her pain and hurting for her was so very heavy. My heart was breaking for her and the stories full of anguish she shared shook me down and caused me immense emotional pain as I’d automatically, involuntarily take it on as though I were living it myself. 

It still hurts to think about her hurting. Because that woman didn’t deserve any of that. I wanted to be her close friend so badly! I wanted to be there for her, support her, hear her. I really tried. The plan was to make room for her feelings as long as she gave me space to soothe my own in between the darker conversations she wished to have. I wanted to have those deeper talks occasionally too. I was aware it would be hard at times, but as long as she respected my boundaries and I respected hers it was manageable and worth it for a genuine friend. 

It was a beautiful thing to have shared traumas and mental health conditions with her. I felt like I was looking in a mirror of sorts even though what I have lived through is nothing compared to what she has been subjected to. I wanted, and part of me still wants, to be her friend. But it seemed like she couldn’t truly hear me.

I told her more times than I can count what I needed to maintain balance and continue participating in the friendship, but she disregarded it (unintentionally) in favor of her own desperate needs repeatedly. And I get that. I’ve been there.. I visit there on occasion while struggling.

I too can be unfair and become consumed by my unhealthy defenses and past hurts.. But guys..after a few months straight of trying and failing to build a healthier friendship dynamic with her, I couldn’t do it anymore.

Before my time with Dean I would have never turned my back on someone in need. Never. And It still bothers me that I had to tell this friend Laneé goodbye. But I had to. (I made sure she had other support systems in place prior—Two close friends she’d known since high school and a therapist she texted) My time with Dean taught me a few things. I learned that I matter and have the right to set boundaries. I have the right to choose who is in or out of my life. I have the right to let someone go, even if I love them, if our relationship is damaging. I have the right to protect my peace of mind.

Laneé was not, and is not, an abusive or horrible person. But our relationship was instantly intense and almost immediately became unhealthily codependent. I shared this with her in the nicest way possible to let her know I was getting uncomfortable at the start. I tried (and failed) to be selfless during a time I really needed to focus more on myself to heal from recent events. I tried compromising with her.
 
It got to the point where she put me in the position of being the thing preventing her from committing suicide. I almost called the police on her twice and lost sleep numerous nights worrying myself sick and feeling helpless because she’d say she wanted to die and had pills or was driving towards a bridge. She’d share her suicidal ideations with me, but on a couple occasions it sounded like they were no longer passive and were literal plans to end her own life. I wanted to be there for her. I hated that she was having to feel such consuming levels of pain. She deserved better. 

I didn’t want her to be stuck in those devastating moments alone. I didn’t leave her alone. We’d stay on the phone for hours. I’d try to get her to come stay with me so she wouldn’t be isolated in such an unsteady state. 

I recall one night I was trying to get her to my house as she was driving around talking about a specific bridge she could use to end it all. She was sobbing and telling me she didn’t think she could do it anymore. Live. I was there with her during these moments. I didn’t want to be anywhere else, nor did I care about myself as it was taking place.. but I wasn’t strong enough to not be seriously impacted by all of it. I’d go into work the next morning exhausted and shaken in a constant state of stress. 

I want to say I was triggered, but it was so much more intense than that. I started regressing. My progress to heal was starting to come undone as I repeatedly got pulled back in time everytime she began falling apart in ways I’ve fallen apart before. It wasn’t her fault, because I was the one who kept trying to hold on after I felt what it was doing to me. I cared a lot for her. I thought we could find a healthy balance. It sadly wasn’t possible then. I tried my hardest, but I wasn’t sturdy enough to help hold her up. So I just fell down right beside her instead. 

Beyond all of that she started asking for favors. I was ok with that. She was a friend needing help. But when it progressed to asking to list my parents’ home address as hers so she could get her medications sent in my state instead of hers (she moved out of state but only like 45 minutes away) that felt too imposing. We’d only been friends a few months and what she was asking for sounded potentially illegal. I don’t feel she should have put me in that awkward position in the first place.

When I told her it made me uncomfortable/set another reasonable boundary she said “Do you even know how hard it was for me to ask for help? I don’t ever ask people for help because I don’t want to be a burden” and so on. 

I then let her know I was starting to feel more like a resource than a friend because nearly anytime we’d talk it was solely about her problems or her needing something. We practically never had casual talks, caught up, made plans to enjoy each other’s company. It almost always revolved around her pain or needs.. After a couple months of that it got to me, so I respectfully let her know.

In response she was crushed and then said I was reminding her of her abusive ex boyfriend.. That was pretty much the final straw. Her abusive ex who she was upset with for not being willing to help her pay her bills after the relationship ended, and the same ex she was mad at for taking his current partner’s side over hers (as he should). I can get her feeling like he owed her because of all the inexcusable damage he caused to her life, but realistically.. expecting an ex partner to still be responsible for you or your bills is unfair even if the ex partner was a total monster. And nobody should EVER prioritize their ex’s feelings/needs over their current partner’s. That’s toxic.

Oh, and she also didn’t like my friend M. I guess that didn’t help things either because M. comes first. Her not being a fan of his wasn’t really a fair reason for me to get flustered. I told her everything as it unfolded with him and she didn’t have a positive opinion of him or think he was good enough for me. I don’t know.. I’m protective and very fond of M so.. I don’t want to hear someone say he sucks. He doesn’t. He’s my favorite. I didn’t make a big fuss over this issue because she had the right to form her own opinions and seemed to be trying to look out for me— but it was of course subconsciously added to the list of other things that made me uncomfortable.

Guilt vs. Resolve

Someone struggling horribly or acting out from time to time will never make me want to leave them behind. It was having my boundaries repeatedly disregarded. I NEEDED them respected because I was finally consciously trying to develop some. I couldn’t keep feeling forced to talk about trauma every day, it was really messing with my head. I wanted to be that strength she needed, but how could I be that when I still felt so weak myself?
 

Our extra codependent friendship dynamic and the lack of consistent respect for my boundaries was leaving me highly stressed on a regular basis. She wasn’t required to accommodate me, but the friendship couldn’t be healthy unless both of our boundaries were made known and mutually respected. We tried. I think we were both mentally preoccupied though. 

Did my heart want to cut her out of my life? No. Not even a little bit. 

Do I feel like a monster for abandoning her when I know that’s what it probably felt like to her when I said goodbye? Yes, I do.

I do feel horrible because I know how bad being abandoned and unwanted feels. 

The thing is, she as a person wasn’t unwanted at all. I wanted her as a friend and liked her very much, but I had to end communication because our dynamic was making me mentally and physically ill. I restated my boundaries numerous times, but it wasn’t helping resolve anything because they kept being violated anyway. And that left me in stress response 24/7.

Is it ALL her fault and she did something so horribly wrong? No. We just happened to share CPTSD in common and were both in a rough spot. We practically matched so well that we clashed.

Two people can be awesome yet not compatible. It happens all of the time. Two people with PTSD can be friends or partners and make it work in a healthy way, but everyone is different and sometimes the timing is wrong or the personalities clash in unexpected ways despite what we wish could be. 

There are plenty of other people who could be great friends to Laneé and remain sturdy and sane while setting their own boundaries. She is a good person and likely can be an amazing friend in less chaotic circumstances. She wasn’t a “bad” friend to me. She wasn’t mean to me or hateful. But we had so much in common and kept triggering each other unintentionally. I’d hurt her feelings by putting up boundaries, and she’d hurt me by forgetting them in moments of her own overwhelm.

Even though I love her, we just weren’t good for each other. She deserves support, healing, and dear friends who will never leave. We had barely met, and I had to protect what little sanity I had regained after my time with Dean. I simply wasn’t ready for any additional heaviness yet. And I don’t think she was in a stable enough place to be in full control of all she was doing. 

I do understand that and care, but I couldn’t let any form of relationship consume and collapse me again. I was still pretty emotionally and mentally deflated at the time. I did try though. I really tried to work with her because she is a lovely person, but I could feel what the friendship was doing to me. I had to let that one go.

Sometimes there are conflicts with M, but he respects the boundaries when I mention them. My problem with our dynamic isn’t him disregarding my boundaries, it’s that I’m usually too afraid to actually set/say any because I don’t want to ever make him feel bad or scare him away. And that’s not his fault. That’s a ME issue. I’m working on it. With Laneé it was more so an US issue.

I hope Laneé is doing great and her other friends told her I was a raging bitch and to hate me so she could be angry instead of sad. ha. I really do hope something like that happened because she has dealt with so much sadness. I didn’t want to cause her more of it, but I never agreed to being in the role of a therapist or welcoming more sadness and stress into my life either. I truly am not built for it and was even less capable of it a few years back. I couldn’t be the type of friend or support she needed. Hopefully she has found it and more by now. 

I remember being in a prolonged state of mental crisis very similar to Laneé‘s when I was in high school. And while it really hurt when my peers acted repulsed by my negative mood/behavior and repeatedly rejected me.. I definitely understand why they did that and how I was being toxic in a way for others. I was a little black raincloud when they understandably wanted to bask in sunshine. I wasn’t a bad person. I wasn’t trying to harm anyone. I was just super caught up in my issues. I didn’t know. I was so miserable and had no idea how to cope with it in a healthy manner.

I’m not saying Laneé is like a child, I’m only trying to relate to her actions because she isn’t the only one to struggle with making and respecting boundaries. It is a common struggle with many personality types and mental health conditions, so I am not shaming her for it. It happens.

It could’ve easily been me acting that way if she had met me one year earlier. No..it definitely would’ve been me because I have acted that way with M at different points. So anyway. I get it, but I had to cut off communication despite caring about and empathizing with her struggle. The friendship was causing me mental and emotional harm. I feel like I was probably becoming bad for her well-being too.  

I did what was best for my already weakened mind at the time. I didn’t simply vanish. I told her why I was heading out and that it wasn’t because there’s anything wrong with who she is. I knew that was a fear of hers, so I was attempting to provide some reassurance that she is indeed a good and lovable person. I referenced our vast similarities making us mesh poorly and creating a dynamic that had become unhealthy for both of us. We literally kept triggering each other even though we cared. So that’s basically what I relayed.

I did do her wrong though.. Even though I said goodbye and explained why as kindly and non-blamey as I could, I left it uncertain if I’d be back in touch after we’d both had time to heal more on our own. I should have been more decisive. I should’ve called her. She deserved a call. I was wrong for how I said goodbye in that regard. I should’ve handled that better.

I wish I could remember exactly what I wrote. But I know by the time I was ready to get in touch and check on her, too much time had passed. Now I’m too scared to reach out and feel like it is best to just leave it as it is. Because if she is still in crisis mode (or it turns out to be her permanent state of being— I didn’t know her long enough to find out) and I am less capable of handling it than anticipated.. I would hate to put both of us through the loss again. We both have attachment and abandonment issues, ya know? 

So there you have it. I had a friend named Laneé. She is a sweetheart and I didn’t want to remove her from my life, but I had to. I’m glad I got to meet her and really hope she’s ok. Sometimes you have to let people go. Thankfully, sometimes others can keep holding on.

Increased Awareness
:My Neediness 

Boundary Progress