writing in progress

Sections:

• Ripped Off the Band-Aid

• My Fears

• The Best Parts 

Ripped off the Band-Aid

And it didn’t hurt! 🤪

I finally started spending time with my friend M in mid July.  —in progress

My Fears

He is very kind to me. I’m not sure how to process considerate behavior from a man I’ve let get closer. I like it and don’t want it to change. I’m trying to understand this relatively new type of experience— A man being nice to me even after he knows he has me right where I’m most vulnerable. The consistent respect and patience he displays even when he’s not having the best day. 
 

I’m trying not to over analyze or fret. Yet at this time I’m still scared to enjoy it too much or get too comfortable because I imagine how awful it would feel if it all suddenly went away. Sometimes my mind starts trying to prepare for getting blindsided. It makes no sense because how can one truly be ready for that sort of thing?? I hate when I automatically start bracing myself for worst case scenarios.
 

I still enjoy it (his much appreciated kindness and comforting company) but there’s this low, exhausting humming carrying on in the back of my head reminding me of all the ways I can hurt and have been hurt before.
 

I don’t know why my mind cannot accept more peace. We have been friends for over four years.. I think I know the heart he has by now. I don’t think he’d ever hurt me intentionally.. and I pray messy triangulation is a thing of the distant past that he learned from and would never repeat now that he knows me much better than he did back then. He needed time to heal and move on - I hope he has by now. 
 

I want to relax. But when I notice I’m feeling secure next to him I get slapped with an unexpected mini panic. Like my inner voice is fussing at me for letting my guard down and daring to think it’s safe.
 

He often says or does things that shut my defensive inner voice up.. and I thoroughly enjoy the reprieve from such temperamental anxieties. 🖤
  

He treats me like my feelings and preferences matter, like I matter in general. I’m not used to this from a man I’m involved with. Even though I don’t know what we officially are right now.. I know he’s at the very least my friend-boy who currently has the opportunity to become more if he so desires. One day at a time.. Slow and steady.
 

Maybe he doesn’t even realize how considerate and lovely he is towards me because it is in small ways and casual conversations while we are on his couch. But— in progress 
 

I’m also a mess.. I know I have tons of care and companionship to offer him.. but I’m not fully back on track in other areas of life yet. I’m still pretty overweight and struggling with social anxiety too.. I need to get back to work and independence.

I worry that he may lose patience with me being in my weakened state.. But hopefully instead he can see I’m pulling myself back up and will inevitably be at my best once more.. I’m still me. I hope he believes in me. I think he does. He often encourages me. I won’t stay down, but at least I can still give so much care and support while I am here.

I get scared he will get tired of me not being the way I used to be. I’m still her.. just less hot and more timid with a bad back and imploding gallbladder. haha. I’m working on it. I’m still in here.. simply needing some TLC — in progress

The Best Parts

His company. It feels natural and right when I’m around him. Doing nothing with him is one of my favorite things. He has good energy.
 

How he touches my hands, arms, and back.
 

His hugs.
 

How he snores and kicks around in his sleep.
 

His interests and how he shares them.
 

His commentary (OR his reaction to mine) while we watch hours of shows together
  

The fact that he is seeing me at my least attractive and still finds me beautiful is pretty nice too.
 

How he offers positive affirmations and reassurance when it’s obvious I need it.
 

How if I share a concern or dislike he then puts forth effort to make noticeable accommodations. 🥹 

How he vocalizes his gratitude when I do little things for him. It’s nice to feel appreciated back.
 

How he tells me he wants me around or misses my presence after I leave. 
 

How he checks on me and doesn’t seem annoyed when I check on him. 
 

The comfort of casually hanging out without pressure. Of course I want to be kissed and held a little more, but his lack of lustful behavior has made me way less worried about being used in that manner. Which is great.. but if we end up more serious he better make moves and touch me more frequently or I’m going to get confused, lonesome, and physically frustrated!
 

His puppy. I LOVE his new dog and when he calls me its mom. I’ve imprinted on that little boy. 🐶 I watched him/kept him at my place for about two weeks while M was out of town visiting his family. I got very attached to him. He’s a great dog with the most precious face. I really adore watching how M cares for him so well. He’s a fantastic dog dad.🩵  in progress —