Out of Chances

Update: (8/10/21)

Probably should’ve read over this again when I started missing him around the anniversary of the main discard, eh? The rage I was in when I wrote this has passed, now I just have to figure out how to still believe all of this while I’m no longer angry. I’ve got this-

DISCLAIMER-This is being written while I'm experiencing a lot of hostility towards him-unfortunately. So that'll come across in my writing; because unlike my ex, I don't play pretend. ;)  I do not hate him, but I am feeling the closest thing to hate I have ever felt. It is like hate, but without wishing him ill or wanting him to suffer. I hope that makes sense. I want him to be alright, but I do NOT approve of the abomination he is. I don't like it at all. It's revolting. 

I'm not over what he did; but thank God I'm over him.

His prideful self would probably claim that he doesn't want another chance with me, that's why he left, right!?  But, would you like to guess who has abused me, told me he would NEVER speak to me again, and then ran away multiple times before?? D.B.- He has done exactly that FIVE TIMES within less than a year. He has come back month(s) after discarding me, only to promise all the original lies he sold me. Each time he returns declaring his love for me, his desire for us to marry, and then he promptly abuses and abandons me all over again-like a coward. He has told me "Goodbye forever" just to then return and hurt me again five times. A solid, strong and good man does not do that. 

I am slamming and locking the door to me because now I SEE HIM. I know his pattern, and I have no desire to partake in his atrocities. I have been hurt enough by him  to have reached my limit. He has treated me appallingly, and he has NO REGRETS because he is what he is-depraved. The thought of him near me repulses me. The fact that he tricked me to be near me and have me intimately makes me sick to my stomach. He tortured my emotions and broke my heart just for kicks-It is deplorable. I bet he is proud. He was able to fool me into thinking he was a man of honor and possessed a conscience to gain access to me. Like a creepy predator.. He lives in a modern time, with advanced technologies, civilized interactions with strangers, he possesses impressive intelligence, he drives a vehicle..he has the ability to do many things..YET his interpersonal behavior with those he lures closest to him is that of a rabid dog-not a human.

There is no humanity, depth, or decency. Just animalistic impulses and raging outbursts in response to feeling disrespected by those whom he has disrespected and broken down with his relentless attacks and toxic presence. He has hurt me in ways even I cannot express with words..and God knows I can speak and write words endlessly to express almost any emotion or thought...but the way he disrespected, belittled, betrayed and scarred me, I cannot ever fully articulate. He is a huge mess making bigger ones and digging his hole deeper and deeper.

So he can pretend all he wants, as usual..but if he thought there was a chance to get something from me, that boy would be back again once he got bored with his other victims/distractions. He gets bored every few minutes. It must be boring to have no in-depth thoughts in his head that don't revolve around ego, disdain, self-pity and ways to trick /use/ punish people. If I were empty without true purpose, I'd have to find games to play too I suppose. What else is there to do when you have no heart, and a mind that only revolves around selfish, animalistic impulses and pure Machiavellianism???

Am I flattered or proud that he always wants me again? Heck no! He doesn't want me, or care about ME. He just wants things from me-like the thrill of the chase, the power trip gained from being able to trick me again, the ego boost for dragging me down so low, the thrill of seeing my extreme reactions to his disturbingly inhumane wrongdoings. It is all about HIM, not me. He took advantage, and the only thing he liked about me was that he could do it, and be able to do so again. So no, I don't find it flattering, nor is it something I take pride in. Him wanting 'me' does not make me feel better about myself at all, because the creature doesn't value who I really am..all he sees is what he can get out of me, what he get from what he does to me, and what he feels 'disrespects' his superior view of himself as some type of lord who nobody shall dare insult-even when the insults are just facts about the horrible things he's done and the impression HIS OWN actions gave his victim.. He has earned to be hated and shunned, it will never happen because most people aren't as fickle and heartless as he is..He finds everything that a person does to defend themselves or condemn his evils disrespectful..because that is how sick, selfish people work. He would want anyone he could push around and sleep with occasionally. He can't see a woman as more than that. He doesn't see someone to actually know, care about and hold onto. Nah. She's just either convenient or inconvenient. Oddly enough, he knows SO MANY women who are crazy, obsessed with him, and manipulative. Poor guy.. Poor little LIAR.

If any woman knew all he did to me(and countless others) or who he REALLY is, nobody would ever touch him again. No woman wants an abusive, unreliable, selfish, empty fake for a partner. Who he is is not desirable. Who he pretended to be was, but even his fake him was still a pain in the as* who provided mediocre affection and enjoyment. He never brought me anything positive. He was a massive drag who wouldn't even hold me right. Who he is is cold, selfish, unstable and repulsively lacking substance. No woman dreams up D.B. when they envision their future husband or boyfriend. He is a nightmare. And the fact that he is such a wretched thing is likely the only thing he loves-His image and high opinion of himself, which is completely delusional..because no sane person would be proud to be who he is!  A normal, decent person would be ashamed to be him and try to become better. But he thinks he is great, and that it is everyone else who is aggravating, inferior and worthless..project babe, project!

Those chances I kept giving out due to my love, confusion and misery were the last of them left. I'm tired of hurting. I didn't deserve another abusive partner. I have flaws, I know I need to continue therapy to address why I was drawn to someone toxic again..even after staying to myself for so many years! But no matter my flaws, traumas, or codependency. I NEVER DESERVED WHAT HE DID TO ME. I was alone for so many years intentionally, AND TO HAVE MY HEART AWOKEN ONLY TO THEN EXPERIENCE WHATEVER THE HELL KIND OF SPAWN HE IS..UGH...bad things happen to good people, and often it is the bad people doing it. Pity party-well deserved. To try to love again, and get the rotten peice of you know what he is..horrific outcome and sh*t luck lol.

Trying to get through to him with logic is a waste, just as it would be wasted on someone who still adamantly believes the world is flat and that dinosaurs never existed. You can't argue or reason with 'stupid.' I don't think he is stupid, I think he is blind, and hopeless. I know he is abusive, and no abuser is someone any woman wants. The victim gets tricked into it, and the abuser has to break her down to make her stay- because no whole person ever would. Bam! Truth in ya face!  He had to get me confused, hurt and torn away from myself and my confidence to create a version of me desperate enough to put up with him. He has to trick and harm people to get and keep a partner. He has to control women instead of having willing partners. So he forces relationships with manipulation because who he is undeserving of them. To me he is no better than a rapist.

His difficult, negative and stressful life is his own fault. Nobody would want the real him because he is a bad person. It's not cute or strong to be an abusive bully and clone of one's abusive father, it is..sad.   

This is why they belong on an island or in prison far away from the rest of us. All they do is ruin lives. Life isn't fair, the fact that good people are lost every day, including his fellow Marines(if he was ever actually in combat),but HE gets to walk around abusing people and only taking away from the world..Good men died next to him, and he gets to come back and live in this sadistic, destructive, useless manner? Yes, this knowledge does indeed reinforce that life is not fair.  As does the fact that a hateful, abusive monster of a man like him, who is unworthy of the beautiful love I offered, was able to damage me. The injustice can be maddening, but I am working through it one writing/ rant and therapy session at a time. I will be able to get it out of my system and re-stabilize without turning into negative force like him. Writing is a creative outlet far better than ruining other people's lives! Obviously, he chooses what any lesser man would, to bully and destroy everything in his path. The useless making good feel wrong and unworthy.  He will face it one day..one way or another. The 'karma' he fears(or pretends to fear) will crush him a million times harder than he has crushed so many others, for eternity. There is no way he has ever had a friendship or romantic partner he hasn't damaged, HE IS DAMAGE. 

I did not want him, I wanted a man..I loved a man, I don't know what he is. His actions over this past year have shown me that he does not qualify as a person on any level beyond his physical appearance. On the Inside, he is something unrecognizable to me. I cannot relate to what he is. He is the opposite of all that is good and pleasant for others..which is terrifying..I don't want to hurt him, tonight I just finally feel like I hate him for the first time. This is the first time I have felt such strong dislike for another human being. Which may be a very good thing for the part in my recovery. It won't last..because I know I don't hate him..not in a way which wishes him misery. I still don't want him to suffer. He just grosses me out, I can't help it..I think intentionally harming others is the most detestable evil. I cannot be in love with, or desire, something the makes me want to run away. When I think of him, all I see is something tainted and threatening.

Abusers are such entitled brats..and if you point it out to them, they'll point back at your requests to be treated with respect as if that request and your outrage over their abuse exposes your own entitlement...Oh my goodness, the exhaustion of knowing such intense denial and delusion exists. Now that I've learned about these types of disorders(Cluster B), I can see right through him. It is a pitiful view. So after taking that sight in, I no longer hold a romantic place in my heart for him. Which is why, if he returns again, he will be disappointed. Not for long though, since he doesn't value people the way he should. He'll just occupy his time torturing other people and hating me(and everyone else) Like I said before, he is the embodiment of hate walking around disguised as a man.

I am not belittling all his worth as a person( though he functions as a non-human). But I will not deny that I'm repulsed by someone who easily hurts others and enjoys it. I find nothing more repulsive that being unkind and intentionally cruel. Dishonesty, childish/devilish games, insults, manipulations ALL OF IT just disgusts me, because those are blatant wrongs. That's why I now see him as something small and revolting. Because his heart is small, his integrity non-existent, there in no loyalty, truth, compassion, kindness..nothing good within him. Nothing to admire. Nothing I would want around my child or future children. I want him far away from me, forever.

If I learned he moved back to Texas, I'd cry tears of joy and relief. If I were magically guaranteed to never hear from him again, I'd be just as elated. Because all he has done is cause severe damage to my mental and emotional health. He has hurt me tremendously. He is my nightmare, and the door to my heart is closed to the darkness and fear he always brings forth..He can pride himself on that now, but one day he will be an old man-and he will die as nothing, with nothing. I can't handle the hurt he inflicts anymore. I shouldn't have to. I am done. 

He is the one who did wrong and he gets off free from all of this, while I fight to heal from something traumatic I am facing as a consequence of merely loving and trusting him.  I will recover. I will love again.. But what I will never do again, is accept that this trauma his abuse caused is my fault. I will never take responsibility for the evils HE chose to committ against me.. He did something to me I should not have had to expect. I was naïve, I was vulnerable..but other than that--all I did was love him, and he nearly killed me. SHAME ON HIM. 

HE WILL NEVER BE WELCOME BACK.

He is the one who is unworthy of me. He always was. Anyone who hurts you on purpose, does not deserve you. He got more than he deserved by being with me and receiving my love. He stole it, and he knows that. But he will never get another part of my soul again. This is what is different. He no longer stands a chance. I am very angry at times, but I won't be forever. More and more days are becoming something good again, something his heavy, hideous presence never allowed them to be. I am able to breathe again. I am able to move on from someone who never deserved to be near me in the first place. Of that, I am certain. 

I no longer want him. I no longer approve of who he is. I no longer believe in the man I thought I saw deep down beneath the mess and aggression . I HAVE NO FAITH IN HIM, but one day I will restore my faith in others and myself. He does not deserve to take my happiness from me--I won't let him. I will do whatever I have to do to get it out of my system.

His opinions no longer matter to me the way they did before, because I do not value the opinion of someone who lives as though they have no soul. 
  

Finally, I can say with confidence. IT'S OVER-there is nothing he can do to trick me again, because nothing he can say or do will change that I do not want him, and never will again. No amount of change, no amount of real or false kindness, no anything could make me want him again. I don't want the man who hurt me as severely as he did. 
 

I want a good man, and that is something he could never be. He is the worst partner imaginable. I don't want my life to be dark. I deserve better, everyone does. So there's that.

For the first time I can truly say, I will NEVER kiss or hold him again. I will NEVER entertain a conversation with him again. And I will NEVER forget how deeply he hurt me, because now I've been reminded that evil men do exist more than I'd like to admit. I will NEVER understand how his sweet mother created a child so completely devoid of love. 
 

Life without love is nothing. Love is all that is good and right-real. Without love you are Godless. And if you don't believe in God that's ok, but without love you are nothing but negativity and damage to others who will regret you. Any woman he has ever been with D.B. long enough has to regret him. The only time a woman ever will adore him, is before she learns who he really is.  He is fake to get a girl, then he causes nothing but pain. He gave me nothing good. He was an unappreciative loser and disappointment  of a boyfriend. 

I will suspect every man who tries to get to know me, but a good man who is worth it will stick around, and that lucky bastard will get all the love D.B. wasted, rejected, and broke apart.. I deserve this closure. So for once, I am putting myself ahead the phantom of an ex boyfriend he is. I HATE what he did to me, and I detest the kind of 'man' he is. I wish him well and better things I doubt he'll ever experience, but I ALSO wish for him to stay the hell away from me.

He can lie to himself and others all he wants. But the truth is that I was good to him. I am a good, kind lady..and he was not good enough for me. He had to break me down to reject me. He had to bully his own loving, devoted partner to feel like he was strong. Breaking others is not something strong people do. It reflects the weakest character possible. No honor. No effort, no self to admire. It is something bullies do to feel big by making those better than them feel small. He made me feel insignificant, when it was he who didn't deserve to be in my life..He was cruel and manipulative enough to make me forget myself.. But as I remember who I was before him, I am realizing it is he who is 'pathetic' not me. He can bully and call me all the names he wishes..but his lies and angry, foolish words will not change the truth. There is only one truth, and his perverse relativism can't touch it. He doesn't have that power. Lies can only stay hidden for so long. One day when he thinks he has outrun all of his falsehoods and wrongs, they will catch up to him- EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.  His arrogance will defeat him..Actually, it already has. When he gets slightly older, he is going to be the most miserable person alive. Youth has already left him, he just denies it and deludes himself to think he looks like he is in his 20s-HE DOESN'T-He looks his perfectly fine,non-20 year old age..In 5-10 years he won't be able to deny it to himself as much anymore. He'll have to trick people harder..he'll get tired one day, and then he will resign. He knows who he is, and who he is emulating. Following this path is why he will blink out of existence without ever having truly existed. 

I look forward to a few years from now. I look forward to confiding in a good, strong man with integrity and more flexibility when it comes to...everything. D.B. knows what I'm saying..A man who will also not use my pains against me. And I am looking forward to finally experiencing a man worthy of my time and heart. D.B. wasted and abused mine. I am done..and ready for something so much better. I want a man, not an act put on by a heartless, entitled child.  With D.B..It's like a sadistic Peter Pan