I couldn't take feeling frozen anymore, so here's how I've started course correcting since my last post—

Sections:

• Progress with My Mental & Physical Health

• It Makes Sense
• Those Feelings
    
  

♥️ HEALTH UPDATE,  12/2025:

I can sit like normal again! Even for an hour or more at a time. Yay!! Oh, and my body is looking more toned. 😁

Progress with My Mental and Physical Health

I got incredibly sick of feeling bad about myself over my mental health struggles, weight, back injury, and romantic rejection. Then I decided I could and would do something about it. Sometimes I'm too down to pull myself back up, but it inevitably passes. Thank goodness.

For my mental health, I've continued therapy once a month. I spend more time outdoors. I’m enjoying art, gaming, journaling, cooking, and increased quality time with my son. Getting regular exercise and improving my sleep schedule has drastically reduced my depressive symptoms. I'm not leaving the house much, BUT I am leaving it! I even went to my sister's house to celebrate Halloween with family. I socialized! 😱 haha.
 

For my weight and body image, I have been walking 3.5 miles daily Monday—Friday for the past few months. I’m limiting my intake of processed foods, staying well hydrated, and going to bed at a decent hour most nights. My skin is even starting to look more glowy! To feel cute at my current size I bought new workout clothes and flattering tops/leggings to wear around the house. Even my sports bra is leopard print. 😁 ✨ I throw on a little eyeliner and tinted chapstick most days just because. I’m brushing my hair regularly now too! haha. I’m serious though. I hadn’t been, I am now. It’s getting long and pretty. Instead of messy matted frizz, it’s now my bouncy waves and curls. Yeah. I’m doing a lot of little things that are making me look and feel a lot more like..myself. Self-care and therapy work wonders. 🖤

For my back, I pushed myself to make appointments. Thus far I've seen my primary doctor twice, gotten labs done, and completed an EMG/nerve conduction study. I have an upcoming appointment on 11/14 to go over the results and figure out how to fix my back (be able to sit normally without severe pain).

I have also gone to the dentist and done my yearly physical/well woman visit.
 

For the rejection, confusion, and loneliness I have given myself several reality checks. LOL I still care about my friend (he’s practically my favorite person), but I no longer have all my eggs in one basket. I tried to think of a better cliché. The guy is clearly not into me. I'd rather wait for someone who wants the same things I do and actually appreciates having me around. I am going to continue focusing on my health and my son. Once I’m back at work and feeling more confident I'll try online dating and/or ask my siblings to set me up on a few dates. They have tons of friends. I think that could be fun and way healthier for me than settling for a situationship when I want a relationship. This is many months away, but no harm in looking forward to it while I'm making efforts to get to such a point. :)
 

As you can probably tell, since my last post half a year ago I have made sluggish yet valid progress. Yay! 

I have not canceled any more appointments, regardless of my anxiety. I'm less depressed. Despite still being self-conscious, injured, and generally overwhelmed, I’m doing a lot better with settling my nerves! My blood pressure is thanking me.

It Makes Sense

(Me being bummed out over my back injury)
 

How I was feeling when I wrote my last post was understandable. I was caught up in a pretty exhausting depressive episode and trying my best to see the bright side instead of collapsing during the rough time I was having.

What triggered the overwhelm and extra negative emotions—

Before I injured my back on July 16, 2024 I was working hard to get my body healthy again. I’d gained a lot of weight and it was making me feel physically and mentally uncomfortable. I was putting in serious effort, but then some unforeseen things happened.

It was awfully frustrating to be stopped in my tracks when I'd just really gotten into a routine and started seeing progress.

I'd been walking/jogging and doing circuit training for a few months straight.. I had a personalized daily planner and was logging all my chores, meals, etc. I was feeling proud of myself.. when all of the sudden one morning I reached out for something and heard a pop.

I felt like I was going to pass out and begain sweating profusely. I couldn't move for a bit. After about 15 minutes of me standing in place I made my way to the couch. I managed to sit down in an awkward, leaning positionon and stayed there in that exact form for the entire day. I practically didn't move a muscle for hours.

I knew I would be ok and that I'd likely just slipped a disc. I'd had a few herniated discs in my twenties and I work in the medical feild, so I wasn't freaking out. I was mad it was happening but I figured in a few days or weeks I'd be fine.

I was unable to stand up for over 48 hours. I refused water because I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk to the bathroom. Not sure why I didn't go to the hospital then. I felt like going to the ER would be too dramatic. Plus, I figured it was just a herniated disc. I can be such a stubborn-ass. At least by day three I could use crutches to get to my bed!

I have dealt with herniated discs before..and it hurt like hell, but I never was unable to move around like this. Still, I figured I re-injured the same ones and they were irritating spinal nerves or something. For the next three weeks I only got out of bed to use the restroom, but then one day it got worse instead of better... My oxygen levels dropped so an ambulance was called. My son recorded me being carried out on a stretcher (he thought it was cool 😆).

As I was getting loaded up on the ambulance I recalled I’d only been in an ambulance one other time- back in 2020. I remembered how my ex responded to me letting him know what was going on with me and that I was scared. So it was fun having all that involuntarily pop in my head. 🙄 Rude. It made me afraid to even tell my friend M. I was having a more serious health issue even though he’d never been that level of mean to me before. Thanks a lot Dean, ya arse.

Anyways… back to the now/2024. 

I was admitted to the hospital that night. They initially thought I might need emergency surgery to relieve the pressure on my spine, but then said it wasn’t necessary (woo!)

After bloodwork and imaging I was diagnosed with SIRS and four herniated discs with mild nerve compression. I stayed for two days to get hydrated and receive IV antibiotics. The doctor ordered spinal injections, sent some referrals out, and gave me painkillers.

I still have no idea why it was so bad this time. I did find out that I have scoliosis in my lower thoracic spine and my lower lumbar near the sacrum. My tailbone is not where it should be

Apparently high impact exercise like circuit training and running is something my body couldn't handle and my back just gave out in a way that happened to press on/compress some nerves. I’m also not sure why I had SIRS, but that part resolved within a week or so.

For months I stayed in bed all day because standing for more than five minutes would cause excruciating pain and my feet to turn red/purple. I had to quit my job..obviously. 🥺 I couldn’t drive.. so I definitely couldn't go see M.. Then once the school year started I couldn't drop off/pick up my kid like I used to.

I tried to remain as positive as possible. I utilized my free time by doing a lot of art. That was an excellent outlet and I really appreciated having my friend M. cheering me on. I was loopy on muscle relaxers and painkillers, so there was also a lot of sleeping. That part wasn’t as fun as it sounds.

For several months I couldn't sit AT ALL. I am now able to sit for several minutes at a time, but it usually hurts or is very painful afterwards.

So yeahhhhh. All that alone was enough to worsen my anxiety and depression. I was having a hard time! I abruptly became pretty much disabled, temporarily. I still am, but I've gotten a lot better! And of course I didn't get any slimmer being on bed rest for all of those months. I was hard on myself for having a hard time coping with all of that. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Like I had no right to be struggling. Why am I like this!? 

How bad my back issues were at first makes me tremendously grateful that not only can I walk around again, but I can walk fast and over three miles every morning! Of course leaving my job, being totally dependent on others, unable to play with my kid, unable to sit, dealing with constant pain, and so on for those first several months was going to impact my mental health.. That shit was difficult!  And the longer I was isolated recovering at home the more distressed I became. I don’t handle stressors well, and my back going out on me has been a major one. 

I can get around normally for the most part now, but sitting, reaching up for something, or bending too much can potentially ruin my whole day. It is frustrating to not be all the way better yet, but my body will get there. 

I am showing myself grace by reminding myself that I had and have valid reasons to be experiencing some negative emotion. I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself just because sometimes I get a little too swept up in them. 

COVID stole a year of my time, the fallout from my last relationship stole years of my time, and then my back has occupied over a year. So yeah, that awareness can get to me sometimes! I do start feeling a little more victimized than I should, but I work through it! I’m still going to keep moving forward and appreciate all the good parts mixed into the madness. That’s life. :) 

By writing all of this out I’m basically just giving myself space to acknowledge hurting my back really sucked, and putting productivity/my life on pause yet again gets to me sometimes..and that is okay. I have the right to feel a full range of emotions. There’s only so much I have control over, and I’m doing my best with those aspects. There is stuff I can do. Things are improving. I know I’m not helpless against it all and that everyone has their own struggles. 🖤

Those Feelings

Those feelings are technically still there, but they're..fuzzy and fading. I feel disconnected from them because M has never truly pursued me, despite having years to do so. He's had opportunities to disclose feelings he has for me, but he hasn't..and I assume that's because he doesn't possess any. So continuing to want him that way is pointless.

It's also been easier for me to distance myself from that yearning because he's been so quiet lately. Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder for me, instead it weakens the connection and pulls out my defenses. Where’d that consistency go?

I really don't know how to approach or work through these thoughts, or if anything actually needs to be worked through. 🤔 I don't feel upset by this anymore. That's the best part. But maybe there's something I still need to process? 

When I stop being injured and fat I'll rejoin the world/resume my normal life again. I, in all my imperfect glory, will be ready for a meaningful relationship with a compatible man. Would it be fair to me to keep myself closed off to the possibility of meeting a man who wants the same things I do just because I have some unrequited feelings for my friend?? Nah.

I have many imperfections and nothing more than companionship to offer right now, but that doesn't mean I'm not lovable and cannot meet someone who will actually want me. All I want out of a partner is good company.. Kindness, Closeness. Affection. 

I've stood by a man far more dysfunctional than me before..and I loved him and embraced all he was claiming to be. His struggles were something for me to learn and support him through, not a deal breaker. So why the heck wouldn't I believe there could be someone out there who would get to know me and think I'm worth loving too??

It would be unfair to me to keep myself closed off to other possibilities (men who will actually want me) for a man that probably has never and will never want to build anything real with me -relationship wise. Maybe he's not attracted to me. Someone will be.

I could keep holding out hope with M and wonder if maybe one day.. But what's the point?? If I run into a man who actually expresses interest in me and knows what he wants, I'll go for it. Why not?

Whatever feelings I had/have for M, the fuzzy ones I'm temporarily dragging back out for the sake of wrapping up this section that's an update to my last post. What to make of those things?.. ha

I guess I could analyze them like I do everything else. Maybe that would help. Or maybe nothing is actually wrong and this is just how it feels to fall out of like with someone??

Don't get me wrong, I still adore him as a person and I'm grateful to have him as a friend, but the romantic longing for him feels like it's dying out.

What's the point in keeping a flame burning for years when it has nothing to ignite? He isn't feeding that fire, so it's burning much less hot. :P It happens! I think moving on is healthy. I've been into him since 2022 and it's almost 2026 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I dont like him any less as a person. I think he's great. My heart is just doing what it needs to. That includes not staying hung up on someone who doesn't want me. But how do I feel about my friend M? Well, I care about the man. That's not going to change.
  

Things about M that I admire and appreciate.

How he responds to me 99% of the time when I am highly reactive/emotionally intense. There has been less of this over the last year or so, but I know there have been heated moments throughout our friendship in which he had patience with me. He usually says things that defuse the situation instead of making it worse. 🥹

He has been willing to talk through uncomfortable things whenever I really needed to speak up or find resolve.There are things I admire about him that go beyond the traits that give me something too. I don't know how to word that? Aspects of who he is, not merely what he can do for me.
  
He's incredibly intelligent.

He can take the most stunning photographs and make art through video editing too.

He is a good actor and enjoys plays.

He likes building with legos.

He's open minded.

He has been collecting comic books since he was a child, and he's the best at hunting them down.

His voice is fantastic.

He has a unique style.

He's creative.

He makes amazing food.

He accepts a little guidance in areas he feels the need to be pushed (like going to see a doctor. haha. I helped him find one)

He's funny.

He is a phenomenal teacher.

He's a talented writer.

He does so many things and juggles countless responsibilities to the point of running himself ragged, yet never feels like he's doing enough. —Which is crazy because practically every project he takes on turns out exceptional.

I wish he could see himself the way I do. 

As a friend he has provided me with positive experiences.

He has given me something to look forward to.

I feel happy anytime his name pops up on my phone. I like talking to him—It doesn't matter if the topic of discussion is serious, lighthearted, or about the mundane.

He's been a comfort to me when I was feeling low.

He cheers me on whenever I accomplish things.

He accepts me when I'm hot, and he accepts me when I'm not.

He has encouraged me to nurture my talents.

He's forgiven my outbursts.

He doesn't hold my issues against me..even when they're causing a little ruckus.. I want to trust him.

He apologizes when he does wrong, or even just for being slow to respond.

I don't know. 

I always want him to be ok; I hate when he isn't. When his heart got broken I felt like something was pulling mine apart. That's how I feel anytime I know he's hurt. I don't like when he calls himself a loser or says it's too late for him. He's not a loser. He has a lot of potential, but he is already more than enough as is.

I wonder how he is doing throughout each day, even though I rarely check in first due to my issues.. like my fear of annoying him. But I never stop caring about how he is. When he's sad I want to comfort him. When he has a good day or is excited about something, I feel overjoyed because his happiness is one of my most favorite things. I don't know what else to say.

Even when I fully move on I will still admire and appreciate all of those things about him. He is my friend. The care isn't conditional/based on me getting my way or him behaving perfectly. —It is simply there. Hmm. I'm just glad this doesn't make me sad anymore and that I'm open to possibilities elsewhere.