Either way, although I realize it could definitely be annoying at times to deal with me while I'm triggered, I hope one day to meet someone who doesn't view me as a burden or leave me feeling like I have to prove I'm worth wanting and providing with his effort.. Like making basic plans after I mention repeatedly how I really need that in order to be comfortable.
 

Nobody has to accommodate me or compromise with me. I can love a friend who can't give me that. That’s perfectly acceptable. He has his own stuff going on. But when it comes to romantic feelings, I really don't want to cry or feel rejected anymore.
 

I've been rejected by him every time I have let him know I am interested in pursuing something of substance and not just a lazy, dead-end situationship. He has every right to turn me down and to be uninterested in me in that way. So I have every right to let my heart give up on this possibility instead of lingering on the hook like a moron for someone who doesn't seem to get where I'm coming from.
 

I wasn't asking him to invest everything or be my partner already.. I was asking that we not focus on sex only. I was asking that we hang out in pursuit of more than a hook up or way to numb out.
 

He can focus on sex with ease, but when I say I want to get closer to him and pursue something on a more meaningful level.. I just offended him. At least that’s how it felt.
  

That left me so embarrassed of my feelings and ashamed that I tried to express myself openly in order to get where I wanted to be with him. Somewhere more than strictly friendship and sensual conversations.
 

I have actual feelings for him, but I can see he is able to do all that flirting and learning about me over these last 3-4 years without developing any romantic interest or real attachment. And that is ok.. It doesn't make his needs and boundaries less than mine. It just means we want and need different things.
 

He is down for sexual exploration with me, but when I express I want mental and emotional exploration too, I am asking for too much, going to extremes, or making him defensive by how I presented my concerns.
 

At least I was trying to communicate openly despite it being uncomfortable and scary to do so. He mentioned how we never see each other. Which is very true..but he also refuses to take the initiative to make plans with me. That's the compromise I am asking for, but he refuses. So his actions (OR INACTION) reflect that he doesn't care if he loses a shot with me. Which leads me to believe he doesn't really want one. That's how it seems.
 

I let him know I was scared. I asked if he only wanted sex with me because I needed to know and couldn’t be sure from what I’ve observed thus far. I told him more than once that I don't want sex officially on the agenda when I go over. Especially at first. I want to spend time with him to enjoy his company, not to be of service. I want a natural progression, not pressure or to feel used.
 

He is not responsible for my relationship history or for why sex is a big deal to me, but there is nothing wrong with me expecting and requiring some sensitivity.
  

I deserve to be considered. Has he considered my perspective? I always ask and try to get a grasp on his point of view. What about mine?
 

Where I’m coming from— I have never had a healthy relationship in my adult life. I have only been physically intimate with one man within the past thirteen years. I have been physically harmed and without choice before. I have been deceived. Abandoned. Blindsided. Used by someone I trusted with my entire heart. I have a trauma-related anxiety disorder I seek active treatment for.
 

I'm trying, and it is ok for me to have imperfections and custom needs..just like everyone else. 
 

Are any of my past experiences or issues HIS fault or HIS responsibility to have compassion for?? NO. But I would do that for someone I care about. The right man will see me. All of me, and never ignore me when I say something is starting to make me feel sad and small.
 

I let myself be vulnerable speaking so openly with him. It is acceptable for me to desire to be treated gently and shown some grace.
  

He gave me a 'maybe one day' type of answer. Which is completely fair, but if he isn't even willing to pick a time and day for me to come over.. or to be open to building more emotional intimacy prior to physical intimacy, I've reached my limit on allowing my heart to be hopeful for more with him.
  

He called how I viewed his response to mean we would never happen, me going to the extreme. Which I get.. but I’d rather require direct answers and care than be luke warm or apathetic. I don’t know how to not care. I can’t always fully avoid being hit with sudden panic. I don’t mean to. It just happens. It’s not fun for me either.
 

He deserves his space and to meet his needs in whichever way is best for him! He has every right to be alone, to not like me that way, to have other things for his life in mind! I admire his drive and respect his peace of mind.. BUT MY FEELINGS AND NEEDS MATTER TOO. I don’t have to dismiss them to avoid bothering him.
 

I deserve to not wait around for someone whose words/inaction leave me feeling completely undesired and unappreciated. Is it him being cruel to not want me? NO. But I have the right to feel hurt by it in order to move the heck on and find the type of mutual care and passion I deserve.
  

I usually don't feel unheard with him. He shows consideration and kindness all of the time. He's a good person. However, his response this time (although I truly appreciated his kindness overall and willingness to discuss) it felt more like him defending himself and explaining why I shouldn’t feel how I do.
 

I shared how I felt, my fears, what I needed clarity on..and his response was to point out in a respectful way that he was already doing all he could and is willing to do. 
 

Basically, it is MY problem and we aren't seeing each other in person because of ME. Not because he is refusing to give me such a basic accommodation such as.. PLANS. No. I’m the problem and he doesn’t need to adjust his behavior at all, just me. :( 
  

Being considerate enough to make plans at least one day in advance is minimal effort, but he refuses to offer it to me. He won't even give me something that small, so that is an indicator to me he isn't willing to put me first like a gentleman or compromise. I explained why I have that boundary. Why I really want to plan ahead. But, I'm not being heard there, or he doesn't care.
 

He is that passive and disinterested in providing effort to make someone else feel like they matter to him. But ya know what, at least he doesn't fake it like Dean did.
 

Still, I am not settling for having my feelings and needs dismissed after I repeat them over and over and then get blamed for why I haven't gone to see him. He isn't compromising, he is waiting for me to cave and give him his way. I deserve to be treated like a lady. I deserve consideration.
 

He doesn't have to care or agree to plans. At this point I'm turned off that I have had to keep pushing/asking for it. I should have just accepted he doesn't value my time, comfort, or company enough to do a little bit of work for it.
 

The work being.. he picks a day and time for me to drive over to his place to hang out. That's it! It feels lazy that he refuses. It’s off-putting and a bit hurtful because I have feelings. And they are valid.
 

I'm not angry with him, I'm angry with myself for trying again and sharing my feelings with him just to get rejected by him again. He has every right to reject me, and me feeling hurt by that rejection is a valid human response!
 

I am a big mess. I have so much to get together. I have to get back into life all over again. Heal my health. Build up my confidence. 
 

BUT despite all things I have not yet mastered, I still know exactly what I want out of my life and a romantic relationship. I know exactly what I have to give and that I am worth loving as I am.
 

I know even in my messiest state right now I have things to offer that the right man will appreciate. I will be enough for the proper match.
  

How much love and support I give will be enough for a compatible man.
 

My weird interests, my passion, and my talents will be enough and the right person will see it all as worth appreciating.
  

The right person will care about my comfort and needs.
 

He will appreciate that I give back and don't just take or demand endless patience..
 

He will notice all the little things I do to build him up and how I hold myself accountable when I do him wrong. 
 

He will NEVER shame me for my disorder symptoms.
 

He will show me grace and encourage my continuous effort to better regulate myself and be fair to those around me.
 

He won't hold that I have occasional panic attacks and mental spirals against me or dismiss the BIG FEELINGS I have during them just because he might not fully understand them.. He will know my feelings are always real and matter because I matter. How I experience my life and each moment matters. It is always real to me.
 

I am always impacted by how I feel. That impact is real and not something to fuss at me for or to get defensive over instead of just hearing me and having a healthy conversation when we are both ready/calm enough for it.
 

He asked me, "Are you asking me to invest n something I never see?" No.. you could see me.. we could slowly warm up to one another in person and bond more if you were willing to make plans. Just basic plans for a day I come over that doesn't have to revolve around sexual gratification.
 

He won't pick a day and seems to want me to take control and show up whenever he is available. That is fine for him to want, but not compatible with my needs. I don't have to settle and push aside my perfectly acceptable boundary/standard.
  

He also said I made him feel bad for not being ready at the start..I NEVER tried to make him feel bad for that. I was upset with how he confused me and misled my feelings by not being fully transparent with me about how he was actively chasing an ex at the beginning.
 

He flirted and kept me on the hook back then, but possibly still can't hold himself accountable for that?? Or..at least that is how it came across when he brought it up this morning after all this time has passed.
  

Does he still see himself as being wronged by me when I was the one lied to and emotionally manipulated? I wronged him at times too..but not by being upset with his dishonesty during the time frame he referenced. I have so much proof to combat how I mistrusted myself at that time. Most is discussed HERE/ Closing the Door 🚪 

He can call it extremes, because it often is with me when it comes to matters of the heart (AKA triggers) but it is also ok for me to require straight answers. It is ok for me to prefer him be direct so I don't have to decipher everything and then doubt myself over and over.
 

Is it his problem that I have the struggles I do? No. He isn't required to care and show consideration, but it is ok for me to want to wait for someone who will be willing. It's not like I don't frequently offer support back. :/
 

I don't have to share my body with someone who refuses to even start sharing his heart.
  

If he says he isn't sure if he will ever want more with me..that is the same as him saying he isn't interested in me, to me. What is wrong with me seeing it that way??
 

I have the right to want to be wanted. Someone will want me. He does not have to. I am ok with letting go of the romantic feelings I have for him and focusing on myself. I am grateful for the friendship, but having romantic feelings for him has brought me a lot of hurt since 2022– I know it’s practically all my own doing.
  

I still love him just as much as always, but the conversation definitely killed off a large percentage of the romantic interest I had in him. I felt so judged in every response I gave, got panicked, and resorted to apologizing and backing down from telling him exactly what I needed to know.
 

In all fairness, he gave pretty solid responses. He has a good heart and wonderful mind. But the defensive tone shut me down, or more so my involuntary physiological response to it? I got scared and couldn’t think straight. I know I’m defensive and mistep at times too.. so I’m not shaming him for it. I also didn’t word my initial questioning in a neutral enough way. I can get feeling defensive when first seeing my message. I get it, I just need to process these thoughts and feelings. 
 

He doesn't see me the way I have been seeing him. That's alright. He doesn't have to. I'm capable of moving on. I don't have to wait around to prove to someone I'm worth wanting and trying for.
 

The right person will be able to see worth in me and have desire for me.
  

Just because sex or explicit conversations don't make M grow closer to someone or get emotionally confused does NOT mean it doesn't impact me differently.
 

How it impacts me is just as real as how little it impacts him.
 

My perspective and life experiences are just as valid as his.
 

Letting someone learn so much of me, being vulnerable with someone, sharing my deepest feelings and being open to letting someone near my body means something TO ME.
 

It not meaning as much TO HIM doesn't mean I'm wrong, foolish, or trying to make him feel bad! It just means I am fully aware when certain things negatively impact me.
 

Flirting, sleeping with someone, being romantically interested in a man, will always require A LOT of vulnerability on my part both physically and psychologically.
  

Just because he isn't negatively impacted by someone only wanting a situationship with him doesn't mean how it impacts me differently is less real. Me and my feelings/reality deserve just as much respect and consideration as his.